Support Starts with You: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

As April is coming to close, I wanted to take a moment to recognize that it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  It’s a topic that is close to home because, as I’ve grown in my practice, my main type of work has been with advocating and representing survivors of sex assault; the majority being Latinas. Unfortunately, the stats are really dismal for our community in regards to sexual violence against both men and women.

And so, it’s a sad truth that many of us have examples of experiences where we have either been victims of sexual violence or have come damn near close to being victimized.  When I think of those personal experiences that I’ve had, I almost always (or at least I used to) think of what I had done to have caused the situation. Part of the reason we do this is because it’s a defense mechanism, right? i.e.  If I hadn’t been out drinking so late then xyz wouldn’t have happened, thus, I won’t drink so late in the future.  But the more I worked in this area, the more I realized that this was a false sense of security because try as we may, we can’t control other people’s actions.  More importantly, the more we push this myth (i.e. don’t get drunk at parties) the more we embolden offenders who then believe they are free to harm others because by our actions we tell them that the victims will be the ones blamed.

Rather than trying to place responsibility on the person that was victimized, we should support them without judgement. That is especially important for those of us that live in communities or with families that still adhere to strict gender roles and place high double standards on women.  While it sounds easy, it can be tricky to re-train ourselves to be supportive.  Aside from finding blame as a way to try feel safe and distant from the danger, we are trained (often subconsciously) to distrust women and blame them for men’s behaviors. For example, think of how many times you’ve heard people say that little girls are sneaky or more conniving than little boys. It seems like a silly thing, but what do sneaky little girls turn into?  Lying women, right?  And even though the stats show false claims are incredibly low, we are still trained to question every woman’s account of violence and/or to find blame in her actions. How about instead, we flip the script and place blame where it’s due: on the offenders.

Because of this social conditioning, many of us tend to find ways to diminish what happened and excuse the offender’s behavior. So, if we become conscious that this is our automatic reaction when we hear about sexual violence, then we should instead strive to pause and really listen to what the person is saying rather than trying to poke holes in their story.  Don’t make it your goal to find fault—because the onus is always on the perpetrator, not the victim.  And in the end, who really cares if she had on a short skirt? Clothing isn’t consent. Drinking isn’t consent. Smiling isn’t consent, etc. etc. to infinity.

For me the best place to start was with my own experiences. I went over those situations where I questioned my behavior and placed blame on myself and finally gave myself permission to recognize that it wasn’t due to anything I had done or said or wore.  Once I gave myself that permission, it was easier to support other women rather than automatically question their experiences.  Give yourself that same permission and support, and then share it with others.

Providing this kind of non-judgmental support should be our top priority because not only does this help individual survivors, but it is also a warning to offenders that they will not find impunity in your community—instead they’ll learn that accountability and justice will be correctly enforced.