When Family Obligation Become Obstacles

We have talked a lot about how to navigate the status quo within the legal community because there’s  so much pushback from those already in power.  However, we often overlook the pushback we receive from family/communities who fear that we’ll either abandon our connections or don’t understand the time and commitment needed in order to succeed.

Now many of us would say that our families have always been our biggest supporters, but being our biggest supporters isn’t mutually exclusive from also subconsciously (or consciously) setting barriers in front of us.  A few years ago, a study on Latino lawyers revealed that personal/family obligations were a big factor in derailing us from finishing/attending school.   For example, we may be expected to help with care-taking, cleaning, contributing financially, or help take care of any emergency that may arise in ways that our white contemporaries are not expected to do.   While there is a strength in this type of family set-up, it can negatively impact those  trying to break into this profession.  Just from a personal level, I know more Latino students that had to take a break from law school to help with family issues than other groups.

So, how can we overcome this?  What can you do if you know you have to spend 10+ hours a week studying and can’t also help baby-sit your nieces and nephews?  What can you do if you have to cut back hours at work to study for the LSAT or Bar Exam and won’t be able to contribute financially like you once could do?

For me, it was about recognizing the possible limitations before they happened and trying to get in front of them.  When I was trying to decide what law school to attend, I had a conversation with my mother about how if I moved back home there would be some times that I wouldn’t be able to help cook or clean.  She responded that she knew law school would be busy, but that no matter how busy things are  you generally still have to cook and clean.  This conversation highlighted one way that moving home wouldn’t be conducive to succeeding in law school because it showed me that mom wasn’t aware of the time commitment needed to succeed.  Ultimately, I decided that because of our different expectations, it wouldn’t be worth it for me to strain our relationship/risk my success in school just so I could move back home.

Further, while I’m a big believer that we must find life outside of law school (even your 1L year), there are many events that require so much time and effort that you cannot fulfill all your normal duties (at least not very well).  By the time I started studying for the Bar, I had been married for almost year and was responsible for cooking our meals.  I spoke openly with my husband and explained that come July, he would have to be on his own for food because I couldn’t stop my studies to cook.  Maybe that sounds harsh, but I was being honest about what I needed in order to study successfully.

The key factor in each situation is that I tried to foresee potential tensions and had open and honest conversations, which isn’t always easy.   I also know that people may say one thing but then do another e.g. “oh sure you don’t have to cook,” turns into moping because no one is cooking dinner. If that happens it’s so important that we pushback against these barriers–because that’s what these expectations are–and set boundaries for ourselves.

Setting boundaries is usually the hardest part, but remember that it’s done for your own self-protection.  It’s so important that if you recognize an obstacle between you and becoming a lawyer that you do whatever it takes to overcome it, even if it means causing waves at home.  I remember a friend whose family expected all the women to participate in planning Quinces for the girls.  It took up a lot of time, and when my friend had a law school conflict that she decided would take precedence over a Quince, it didn’t go down easily.  Her family expressed dismay and even disappointment.  But ultimately these hurt feelings were healed, and more importantly, my friend’s decision led to a great job that she could have lost out on if she hadn’t decided to invest in herself.

So let’s be secure in our choice to succeed (even if it means rejecting expectations from home) and decide to invest in ourselves!