Romantic Information: Balancing Love and the Law

I recently read an article where a marriage was quickly going south. One of the partners said that they had thought their marriage was in the bag and decided to focus on other areas instead, which led to the slow dissolution of the relationship. Anyone in a relationship quickly learns that if you don’t put in the time and dedication then the relationship will not work like it once did. As attorneys, we sometimes have to deal with added pressures of the job that can seep into relationships and make it harder.  These added stresses could be why women attorneys have a higher rate of divorce.

So seeing that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I thought we could talk about taking time to appreciate those around us—especially significant others. How can we ensure we show appreciation to our partners and loved ones?

One. Communicate about the mundane/bad.  If you know you’re about to enter a time-suck (trial prep, finals session, etc) then it helps lighten your load if you explain to your partner-with detail–what you need from them.  When I was in school, I began to be very upfront about when and how I would be available.  I knew it wasn’t enough to growl “I’m busy,” because he was busy too! And you don’t want to get into who is busier than whom because that is not productive.  Instead, I made sure my spouse knew that in the upcoming weeks I wouldn’t be able to cook, clean, or hang out because I had to do x, y, z.   By keeping him in the loop , he understood why I wasn’t available, and didn’t feel like he suddenly and without warning had to do more than his fair share with the household.   By negotiating and understanding what everyone is capable of doing it at certain times it helps reduce grudges or feelings of annoyance.

Two. Like judges, avoid all appearances of impropriety.  Law school can be messy, and working lawyer hours can also allow for awkward situations.  What I mean is that there are instances where you start leaning emotionally on other people rather than your partner.  Maybe a fellow student or coworker that you think understands what you’re going through because they’re experiencing it too.  But situations like that can lead to temptation or misunderstandings.  The idea of work spouses, emotional affairs, etc can lead to bad decisions. So when you feel you’re skating on thin ice–step away.  In my case, I feel like I owe it to my spouse to include him in what’s happening in regards to stressful situation/triggers rather than blocking him out under an assumption that he just won’t get it.  I feel like I owe it to him because 1) he’s emotionally intelligent enough to be empathetic to what is happening and 2) at the end of the day, if I can’t lean on him for supports then what are we doing?

Three. Communicate about the good. Verbally saying thank you makes such a difference even if you are both pulling your weight. It’s a trap to feel like you need not say thanks because you also did something.  For example, I cook at our home, but my husband cleans up the dishes/kitchen.  I could easily ignore his actions and feel justified doing so because I cook our meals.  But what’s a show of gratitude going to cost me?  It’s such a simple way to verbalize that you care and appreciate your partner.  So make an effort to say, “Thanks for cleaning up!” (even if you cooked); “Thanks for taking out the garbage!” (even though you clean other areas of the house);   “Thanks for putting up with my extreme emotional reactions while I was freaking out that my career was stunted when I didn’t get to go to that one training!” (even though you also help guide your partner through career crises).  It’s a give and take and it’s so important to give those words of affirmation.

I think these three things make a major difference in my relationship.  What do you do to help your relationship when things in school or practice are rough?