My Name’s Not Sweetie: Harassment in the Courtroom

The first time I felt like I was being truly patronized at work I got into a shouting match with the guy over the phone and threatened a lawsuit. It was not super professional, but in my defense I was still a baby attorney and this guy was just the worst! We were having a conversation and he kept interrupting and prefacing everything with, “listen to me.”  I became furious and went off and then he got mad and eventually I hung up. After I was able to gather my thoughts I was so upset with myself for letting that guy get to me.

After that, I decided to make a more conscious effort to not let dbags like that get under my skin. Now when things like this happen, I immediately pause and remind myself that they are being purposeful in their words. They’re either trying to agitate me or think they know better, when they usually rarely do. Taking a moment to remind myself to not let their condescension get to me has helped even out my temper (#smallmiracle), but it still sucks to ignore obviously patronizing behavior that’s being done in an attempt to agitate.

Aside from the patronizing names like sweetie or honey, women lawyers often have to deal with frequent interruption, failure to listen, and overall dismissive attitudes that men don’t have imposed on them.  Those things add up to a bigger impact on your ability (and desire) to practice.

Thankfully, the ABA has joined us in 2016 and amended the ethics code that now prohibits harassment from attorneys (I know, how did this just pass?). Sexist behavior won’t be tolerated anymore, so says the ABA. Regardless of timeliness, it should be a welcome addition to our ethical canons. Whether or not it creates a trickle-down to help stop harassment, at least we now have a tool that can be used against bad actors (and many states already had something similar in their books).

I also just have to say the opposition to this change is a joke. It reeks of privilege and false concern over first amendment rights. The idea that there is fear that there would be a chilling effect on what and how attorneys advocate for clients is such a weak argument. First, people don’t have the right to harass just because they’re being zealous. Second, some argue that women need to develop thicker skin, but I contend that if someone’s go-to strategy is to patronize and harass then they should consider increasing their critical thinking skills and work on the ability to communicate in ways that aren’t meant to belittle female attorneys just because they are women. I don’t buy into the hype that women attorneys (or attorneys of color) are supposed to be willing and able to take abuse just because it’s part of the job.  No, actually, that behavior is dysfunction and just because it has been so doesn’t mean we can’t change and improve how we act.

The NYTimes article has a great example of an attorney that was called out on his language, reviewed them, and admitted he needed to be more conscious about his words/behavior. Imagine all of us being more conscious about what we do and say? I really don’t see a negative to that side-effect.

Of course, even with this rule, we will still encounter men who like to condescend. They often may not be opposing counsel or judges, but coworkers–or sometimes even clients. Ending this behavior will be a long journey, but at least now, there’s a new tool you can use in times of trouble.

Beyond filing complaints, which are not easy and come with their own set of negatives, it’s important that when we get a chance to push for improvement in our firm that we do so. When you feel capable and comfortable in your position as associate or staff attorney, call out bad behavior of others, if you can.

However, I know many of us are at places where there is still an old-school mentality–a very masculine school of thought–that we can be insulted, harassed, and intimidated and we shouldn’t be affected by it once the work day is complete. We all know that type of behavior leads to dangerous mental health consequences.  So, instead, do what you can to protect yourself.  If you think you can move the needle and change the culture at your work, great! Do it. If not, at bare minimum, ensure you’re creating a support system. Either through professional help or by creating a community of women attorneys/attorneys of color/both that can support and validate your experience.

How do you react when you’re being patronized at work?