Balancing Act: Dealing with the Guilt & Frustration Attached to your Finances

I was running out of data on my phone early this month and had to resort to reading during my commute. Usually I have a book, but this past week I decided to read my “guilty pleasure” magazines and I’m so glad I did! I’m a long-time subscriber to Glamour and was so impressed by this article on finances. The author focuses on helping young adults establish some financial standards for themselves, but through her writing she also revealed some struggles that first-generation professionals experience. I kept thinking, “omg, this is a struggle so many of us experience!” Yes, I said omg because somehow growing up in the Midwest I picked up a valley girl accent #notsorry.

Anyway, the author mentions two issues that a young professional from a low-income/immigrant family experiences. The first being cognizant that many of your peers from higher income families are given hand-ups that our families just can’t afford. She mentions being surprised that a friend of hers, also struggling with bills, was being given a stipend by her family–something the author’s parents would not be able to afford. This reminded me of the first few days of law school when I was meeting my new classmates and I was quietly hoping my loan money would come through ASAP. It was truly a nightmare! But I had no other way of being able to receive enough money to cover all the costs I was expected to pay. So, when it came to receiving the amount of money that I needed, I had no other option but to look for a loan and wait with bated breath to see if it would go into my account on time.

One classmate kept asking questions about loans and how they worked because her family was basically fronting all her expenses. Loans were like some confusing puzzle to her and likewise, the idea of anyone in my family being able to supplement my finances–let alone cover all of my expenses–was something I couldn’t comprehend. Of course, most of my classmates, minorities or not, did not have someone paying 100% of their bills. But many did have some form of safety net through their family. Or they knew they could take a non-paying clerkship or move to a different city for the summer because their family had the means to help. Good for them (seriously!) but for the rest of us it required penny-pinching and making strategic choices to ensure you’re a little bit financially stable.

Disparate incomes are a constant thing in all areas of life, but it the awareness of it seems heightened in higher Ed, and especially in law school because 1) everything feels like a bubble when you’re in school and 2) the law is a prestigious field that results in interacting with a lot of moneyed people. The powerful alumni are those with money (overwhelmingly so) and how much you can make it rain is still how schools, and the profession as a whole, measures success. So when classmate A can go to a different state to participate in an innovative pilot internship because his parents can cover the cost of rent, tickets, etc. it can feel disheartening to know you just don’t have access to the same type of experiences. It sucks.

The second issue the author touches on is the feeling of guilt in not being able to help your family. I may be coming at this with the trauma of the recession and seeing families losing their homes during the foreclosure crisis, but yeah, the feelings of guilt when you’re succeeding financially can be overwhelming. Maybe you’re not even succeeding and are just making it by like most young adults, but if your family is still living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to pay rent it can feel so horrible to not be able to help them in the way you would want–or in a way they may expect. It can help to read recent reviews on things like renters insurance if your family is struggling, and you can help them to make good financial choices, but it can be painful knowing that you aren’t able to just give them the money they need.

It’s such a tough dual experience–on one hand you’re too poor to hang with the establishment and on the other you feel guilty that you’re able to afford things your loved ones can’t. It’s just another constant reminder that life doesn’t issue out opportunities in an equitable way.

Instead, is there a way to overcome these feelings of guilt and frustration? Whenever I feel guilty about my finances, which is so often, I remind myself that this was a goal all of my loved ones encouraged me to pursue and they are genuinely happy that I “made it.” And then I do my best to think long-term about making sure I am able to support my family the way they supported me. This ability to help may not be an option now, but I try to make decisions now that will help my immediate family out in the long-run.

As for feelings of frustration, I get it–it sucks to have to miss out on events or opportunities just because the finances aren’t there. Real talk, I almost missed out on law school because I couldn’t afford the $500 deposit. It’s horrible to feel like you’re constantly lacking. I used my lack of opportunities as motivation to create new options for myself. So, ok I couldn’t do that cool study abroad I wanted to do my 1L summer; instead I saved enough money to buy a cheap ticket to visit my family in Panama that actually resulted in a much more satisfying experience. During really frustrating times, what motivated me was the frequent reminder that this time in my life was temporary. And it’s temporary in your life too. Focus less on what you aren’t able to do because of your finances and ensure that you’re making the most of the choices and opportunities you do have. And trust, if you’ve made it as far as law school, you have a ton of doors available to you, it’s just a matter of being willing and aware to see them in spite of the frustration or guilt you may feel.