Too Late to Say Sorry

Early in the year a new app was released to help women gain some power at work by eliminating qualifiers in their speech. Words like, “just,” “sorry,” “I think,” etc.  The idea is that if your emails sound less like apologies and more assertive then that will lead to a better executive presence.

Of course, there was also backlash because why is it always women’s behavior that is judged? Men do a lot of odd things too but they are not judged as harshly as women. I totally get the stance behind this, to say F-U I’m going to speak how I speak and your judgement won’t stop me. However, it would be foolish to think that how we talk doesn’t affect how people perceive us, and how we’re perceived impacts our ability to move forward in our careers.

If you’re concerned about that perception then it’s beneficial for you to assess your mode of communication at work to determine if you’re using qualifiers as a crutch.   Assess how you communicate to make sure you’re presenting yourself as a bright, capable, assertive advocate.  You can ask work friends for info on your speech patterns or just listen to yourself when you speak (or review your emails). For example, at the very beginning of my career, I stopped apologizing at meetings or emails if I had a question because I realized I was apologizing for no reason. At first, it felt awkward to not apologize, but then it became second nature.

Now that I’ve cultivated more of my executive presence, I use those qualifiers as tools rather than my default setting. I may use terms like “sorry” or “I think” because I know enough about my work environment to understand when those qualifiers are necessary.  I use them to temper my words or to help ease the blow from a critique or concern.  I do this rather than just speaking bluntly because I understand that office politics are nuanced, and I want to ensure I maintain the relationships I have at work as cordial as possible.  Trust, we’ve all worked with someone who just calls it like they see it and no one likes working with that person.  But mostly I do it  on occasion because I know that being perceived as abrasive or too assertive is just as bad for women as being seen as too apologetic. It really is a damned if we do, damned if we don’t situation–and I work in a pretty progressive environment (compared to most law firms).

My suggestion is that if you’re new to a job and finding it difficult to express your opinions without qualifiers, consider getting the app to see whether it helps you improve your communication. Or skip the app and assess yourself by listening when you speak to see if you are overly apologetic or dismissive of your opinions.  If that’s the case, then do your best to become more assertive by using less qualifiers.

Once you’ve become used to this new mode of communication (and you’ve put in your time at your job) you can manage these qualifiers as tools to use to your advantage rather than using them as crutches.

What are you guilty of over-using at work?  I don’t really say sorry any more, but I do preface things with, “I just have one question,” when really it’s like three.